the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
