Please don't use social media to get back at me.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
