My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
