Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
