remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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