i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
