U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
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