Can Purell be used as lube?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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