thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
