So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
