I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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