It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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