I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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