Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
It was confusing and full of hummus
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
