I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
