I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
