I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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