Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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