Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
