im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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