Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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