be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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