This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
