Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
farters have to be the big spoon...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Randomize
