A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
