Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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