you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Im just a social blackout drinker.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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