I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
