apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
