I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
