my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
