The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
