please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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