meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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