Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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