I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
