I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I need moral support for this bender
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
