I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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