Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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