We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
