Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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