You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
