I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
