I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
