I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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