M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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