the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
