T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
