I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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