I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Randomize
