there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
