last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
