Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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